Have you ever thought, I feel like life is happening to me, not by me? I did. Growing up I thought everyone follows the same path. We go to school, learn what the system teaches, go to university, go to work, get overwhelmed by work, get married, keep getting overwhelmed by work until we retire, then maybe we accept our death. This is the default path. It is the path we imagine when we are young because it is all we know.

And when that script starts to chafe, we are arranged by others as we grow up. Then suddenly, when it is time to choose our path, society tells us we are on our own. We must find our own way, so we search for happiness not in daily life or work, but by traveling and escaping. We work hard for months just for a five day Japan break, but we still cannot relax. We pack the trip with experiences to make it worth it. When the fourth day comes, we cannot relax because we are returning to the hell we created.

Mimetic desire and the default path

One reason we stay on the script is invisible. Psychology says our desires mimic those around us. We often mistake what others want for what we want. I see many people, especially high achievers, chase a dream job with status and titles, then discover it is hell where they were supposed to be happy.

The story shows up in real lives. Paul Millerd was a McKinsey consultant. He used his youth to pursue that path, then found it was not what he wanted. He got Lyme disease which forced him to stop his overly stressed work. In some way we accept this. We accept looking good in front of others. We accept choosing a life we do not love. We are afraid. I was afraid. The fear of choosing an alternative path and committing is daunting. It defines who we are, and if we fail we feel defined by failure.

So the choice sits with us. There is an idea from Jordan Peterson, “choosing not to change is itself a deliberate, consequential choice, you have to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice, not choosing is a choice too, if you don’t make a decision, the consequences accumulate,”. If you read until here I believe part of you resonates and wants a way out. Paul Millerd says there is a pathless path instead of the default path. Choosing a pathless path can feel daunting, but staying the same is also a choice with consequences.

Mini exercise, yours versus borrowed. List three goals you are pursuing. For each goal write two lines. I want this because it looks good. I want this because it feels right. Circle the line that is more true. If two out of three are about looking good, you are likely in mimetic desire. Pick one small action this week that serves the feels right line.

Set learning questions for yourself

Once you notice borrowed wants, you need a steering wheel. Steven Bartlett said, “questions are more valuable than an answer,”. It is true in influencing others. It is also important for ourselves. When you are finding your path there is rarely an immediate answer. That can feel daunting. So I propose a way. We all know goals and vision help, but answering them on the spot can feel impossible. Even for me I am still discovering and pursuing my life goal.

Questions focus attention like a lens. Journaling for an hour may not work for everyone. Our minds have two modes, deep work and scattered. When you set learning questions, your mind becomes a radar. It picks up thoughts and signals in the world to answer your questions. Tony Robbins has a simple exercise. He asks you to find anything brown in your environment. You can count many. Then he asks how many red things you saw. Often you cannot tell, because your mind focused on what you set it to look for. Other things become background. Sometimes the answers sit there.

Make it simple and daily. Set three learning questions and look at them once every day. For example, what is my purpose. What is my dream life. What is my daily routine that supports my well-being.

How to make the radar work daily. Write your three questions on a sticky note. Place it where you end your day. Before sleep scan your day for one clue per question, a moment, a sentence, a feeling. Write one short line per clue. Let the brain do background work while you rest.

Explore, and you might find your passion suddenly

Questions aim your attention. Exposure feeds it. When we were young and someone asked our dream job, we often answered with the classic roles, firefighter, scientist, lawyer, doctor, astronaut if we were into space. We did not say Nvidia CEO, museum curator, cybersecurity specialist, because we did not have exposure to those possibilities. You do not have the sample size to decide.

Passion grows after contact. In Grit, Angela Duckworth explains that “chasing your dreams” is not bad advice, but more important is how to nurture passion. Many people who find their passion did not know it was their life’s work the first time they encountered it. To encounter passion you have to try many things. Naval Ravikant also said that if wisdom came from knowledge alone, we could all read the 100 smartest books and become the wisest people. That is not the case. Wisdom needs context. Context comes from experience.

So widen the map. Try many things. Join a volunteer service. Try a new hobby. Join a random event. You might find your passion and your path suddenly.

30 day exposure menu. Choose four small experiments, one per week. Week one, shadow someone for two hours. Week two, attend one niche meetup you would never pick. Week three, ship a tiny project in public, a thread, a one page site, a demo. Week four, do one service activity. Note your energy before, during, after. Follow the week that raised your energy most.

Design your life through iteration

Exploration gives you options. Design turns options into moves. Designing Your Life introduces design thinking to life. You can be the designer and the architect of your life. Understand the user. Ideate. Create a small MVP. Iterate. This is how product design works. It also works for life.

Keep it playful and progressive. Use yourself as an experiment. Your life is like a video game, or Elden Ring if you like. You gain experience points. You fight the same boss again and again. You learn the moves. Then you win.

Confidence is built, not found. There is a concept called self-efficacy. It does not mean whether you can or cannot in absolute terms. It is the belief that you can handle it. People with high self-efficacy believe they can act. People with low self-efficacy think they cannot even when they have the ability. Accept that you feel lost. Build small wins to grow self-efficacy and confidence. Only by doing you learn. Speed of iteration matters.

Adapt fast and keep moving. Some define intelligence as speed, the speed to think and articulate. And as Alex Hormozi said, “intelligence is how fast you change your behavior when new information comes.”.

Prototype plan in three steps. Step one, define a tiny version. If the idea is media work, publish one short form piece weekly for four weeks. Step two, set a review rhythm. Every Sunday ask, what gave energy, what drained energy, what will I change this week. Step three, scale by one notch only. If weekly posts felt good, add one interview or one collaboration in month two. Small steps. Fast loops.

Speed in practice. Pick one habit you have been meaning to change. For example, checking your phone first thing in the morning. Decide one replacement behavior tonight. Put the phone in another room. Place a book or a notebook beside the bed. Tomorrow morning act on it. If it fails, adjust the environment the same day. Speed is not rushing. Speed is shortening the time between information and action.

By setting your radar, by exploring, by experimenting

There is a way to break through the default path and find your passion. It does not ask you to flip your life in one move. It asks you to make small honest moves, to notice what is true, to keep iterating until the shape of your life matches the shape of your values, until your days feel chosen and not inherited.

This is about agency, not perfection. It is about building self efficacy one proof at a time. It is about moving from escape trips to a life that does not need escape. It is about choosing the next right step and letting momentum compound.